


How To Mess With Dave Strider

by Latia



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Drinking, F/M, Gen, Multi, Pranking, Smooching
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-09-15
Updated: 2012-10-04
Packaged: 2017-11-14 06:49:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/512477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Latia/pseuds/Latia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In response to an innocent request of "John and Rose ganging up on Dave somehow?"  I created a sprawling monster of John and Rose Being Really Annoying While Dave Is Trying To Impress His Main Babes, with an added implication of one of my favorite OT3s. These things will happen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Step 1

Step 1: The Bait

EB: dave!  
TG: yo  
EB: dave!!  
TG: yoooo  
EB: DAoh there you are.  
EB: hey listen, can you do me a hugeass favor?  
TG: might as well theyre just sitting here   
TG: collecting dust  
TG: and being huge  
TG: as asses  
TG: how huge an ass we talking about? its actually something to think about  
EB: you know what why don’t i just cut off this line of thought before you start rapping about asses or something.  
EB: (again.)  
EB: look, you said you had some booze and stuff saved up for a rainy day, right?  
TG: correct  
EB: so can I like…you know, swing by and bum some off you?  
TG: why  
EB: because.  
TG: because why  
EB: just because!  
TG: just because   
TG: why  
EB: oh my god!!  
EB: look, i’m having someone over in a few hours and i wanted to have some nice drinks and stuff but i don’t have any okay! and i’m short on cash so i can’t just buy some!   
TG: that seems p fucking out of the way for just some chick  
EB: how’d you know she was a girl?  
EB: oh wait crap.  
TG: hahaha  
TG: let me guess its rose  
EB: …maybe.  
TG: uh huh  
TG: well okay because im the golden standard of bro i GUESS i can spare a dime  
TG: or a drink  
TG: or fifteen  
EB: thanks man!  
TG: dont sweat it  
TG: just come by before 7 okay  
EB: oh yeah, you’re gonna try recording with Jade tonight right?  
TG: yeah  
TG: aradias coming by too  
EB: :O  
EB: doooooooes aradia even play anything?  
TG: well not technically  
TG: she kinda gives us feedback and stuff but mostly she just smiles and listens  
TG: shes sorta like  
TG: a mascot  
EB: psh, yeah. “feedback.”  
TG: hey man dont getting your jelly on  
TG: im the one making fresh jams tonight  
TG: just because im spending the night entertaining two choice babes and youre going to be getting drunk and crying at the last unicorn on lalondes shoulder  
EB: oh shut up! how do you know we’re not gonna be holding our own sweet jams session?  
TG: with a piano and violin  
EB: hey it isn’t rap, but it’s hella great! we totally make sweet music together all the time!  
TG: uh  
EB: oh shut up, you know what i meant!  
TG: well innuendos aside  
TG: you coming or  
EB: yeah yeah, i’ll be there soon!  
EB: just give me like a half-hour.  
TG: k  
TG: see you  
EB: see you.   
EB: (hehehe.)  



	2. Step 2

Step 2: The First Taste

“Oh wow, he actually cleaned up for us this time!” Jade exclaimed as she stepped into Dave’s apartment. “Look Aradia, I think I can see a bit of the carpet!”

“Wonders never cease, I guess,” Aradia chuckled as she removed her hat.  Just as people never seemed to mention Jade’s fuzzy ears, nobody had ever asked her or any of the other eleven new citizens of “Earth 2.0” as to why their complexions seemed a little more pallid than anyone else’s, why their heads were a bit more hard. Aradia claimed the hat was an extra precaution, in case anyone bumped into a horn they couldn’t see, but it was fairly obvious she just liked fedoras.

“Hey, just be thankful you’re not on the other end of the Strider-Lalonde gene pool,” Dave called from the kitchen. “I can at least guarantee you don’t have to worry about sitting on the business end of a sewing needle.”

Jade perched on the lumpy couch, removing her guitar from its case. “I dunno, Aradia, I prefer needles and scarfs to finding random dead animals preserved in stuff. Or random dead animals _NOT_ preserved in stuff,” she said a little louder, pointedly.

Aradia shrugged. “Eh. Dead things aren’t too bad. Preferable to having to explain to a doctor why you’re sitting oddly.” (“EXACTLY,” came the response from the kitchen.) “Dave, do you have some juice or something?”

“I—do, I just need to—.”

Jade looked back. “Do you need some help?”

“Stupid cap—.” Dave emerged with a bag of plastic cups under one arm, his hands preoccupied with prying a cap from an unopened bottle. “Shit, these usually aren’t so—.” With a crackle of green static, Dave suddenly found himself empty-handed. The juice and cups reappeared on the coffee table in front of Jade, three cups standing ready to be filled.

“Here, let me,” Jade said, picking up the bottle.  “I’ve been practicing a new trick with the whole space-y thing. Liquids and stuff are harder to transport since they’re viscous, but I just have to concentrate on the bottle. Three drinks, coming right uUAH—!”

Jade’s voice cut off with a shriek, Aradia gasped, and Dave jumped a full foot in the air and came down twice as hard as three arm-length snakes suddenly leapt into existence from the empty space which filled the glasses. The three stared as they wriggled in the air a moment, then tumbled bonelessly to the ground. The three continued to stare as, a second later, a small slip of paper fluttered down to join the toys. On it was a single word written in blue:

_ gotcha. :D  
_

**\---**

“Yes!” John pumped his fist and laughed. “Here here, quick—.” He passed Jade’s old space-vision goggles over to Rose, just in time for her to see Dave land on his ass. “Classic!”

Rose chuckled as Dave got up and swore. “Color me surprised. I didn’t expect such a tried-and-true prank to have such satisfying results.”

“Psh, ye of little faith! Everyone knows the classics are classics for a reason!” He laughed and took a swig of beer. “Anyways, it looks like I’m in the lead!”

With a smirk, Rose sipped her vodka (only wincing slightly at the taste). “My chickens remain unhatched, John. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.”


	3. sTep 3

SteP 3: The ~~Matrosyoshika~~ ~~Maetroyoyoka~~ ~~Mattrka~~ Doll In A Doll Thing

“Found it.” Dave returned from the kitchen to find Jade still pouty and Aradia still doubled over with laughter. “Little bastard hid the real stuff behind the Cheetos.”

Jade took a break from her quiet cursing to quirk an eyebrow at him. “…Dave, why do you have Cheetos in the refrigerator?”

“I should be madder, but I gotta hand it to the kid,” Dave said, unscrewing the cap and pointedly ignoring the question. “Wasn’t expecting that.”

“Well I hope HE expects me to pay him back for that!” Jade grumbled. “Little bros don’t mess with big sisters without retribution, that’s just how things work!”

Aradia finally got a hold of herself. “W-well, before you start p-plotting any big revenge schemes, shouldn’t we get back to recording?”

“Right, right.” Dave set the juice down. “Let’s see, tables, bass, mixer….mixer…” Dave looked around the living room. “Oh for the love of—.” Sure enough, the mixer was missing from the spot he had left it by the wall. “Fucking incredible.” On closer inspection, Dave saw the familiar cable still plugged into an outlet, leading into a closet.  “Comes over here with the fucking blushy schoolgirl act about trying to impress Rose, talking all about how he _neeeeeeds_ this stuff and he’ll be in debt to me forever and shit and…”

“You mean John? He was pulling that ‘can-you-do-me-a-huge-favor’ act?” Jade rolled his eyes. “Let me guess, he did that whole ‘I won’t tell you what it’s for until you ask me a bunch’ thing. Ugh, he ALWAYS does that right before he pulls a big prank!”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” Dave opened the door to reveal the cable …running through a hole in a large, knee-height box. He quirked an eyebrow, stooped down to take the lid off …and swore. “Oh my god, seriously?”

“What’s up?” Aradia said, trying to lean to get a better look around Dave into the closet.

Dave pulled the box out. “It’s that box-in-a-box-in-a-box thing. He’s going to have me looking through like twenty of these things to find a fake cable or more fake snakes or something. “Sure enough, he lifted the top off to reveal yet another, infinitesimally smaller box. "Yup, and here's a list of everyone shocked:..." Dave swore as he revealed the next box. "I swear to god I better find a note saying where the stupid thing is at the end of this, because if not I will walk straight through his door and hOLY SHITAGH--"

Without warning Dave jumped back, falling on his ass for the second time that night. The box tipped with him, causing him to promptly scoot away. "WHAT THE FUCK--" He let out a gargled noise between a scream and a squawk as two gray blurs went shooting past his legs. 

Jade's ears perked up, eyes going wide, almost shiny. "What--?"

There was a burst of motion, and Dave was suddenly between the girls on the sofa, limbs scrunched close to him. "CATCH THEM"

Jade's head snapped side to side, trying to lock on the gray shapes. "T-they're going too fast, I can't--"

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HARLEY YOU ARE A LITERAL DOGGOD WHO CAN WARP FUCKING SPACE ITSELF, GET A LITTLE CREATIVE"

"Okay, jeez!!! If you can stop yelling at me for two seconds I can have them in a---

 

 

\---jiff..." Jade blinked, feeling the familiar fuzzy sensation of time travel. The two looked to their right to see Aradia holding a squirming mouse in each hand.

"I, uh..." Aradia smiled, slightly sheepish. "Got them?"

Dave made a noise like a deflating balloon. "Ffffffffffuuuuu-"

At the bottom of the overturned box, a note penned in purple lay innocently:

Gotcha. ;)

 

\---

"C-calm down, John," Rose said between stiffled chuckles. "W-we don't want you hurting yourself over...over..." She gave up, dissolving into laughter.

"Oh-oh my---aahahaha!!" John doubled over, kicking over several empty beer cans on accident. "That sound--THAT SOUND!!! WHAT WAS THAT?!?!"

It took the pair several minutes to regain their slightly tipsy composure. "Ah....oh man," John wheezed. "Okay, that was totally your point, I'm not even mad about it. Rose, that was PERFECT."

Rose giggled. "Well, it wouldn't have worked if I hadn't had a comrade capable of creating an extra air source for our partners in crime. And of course little Gr'rtgr and S'luuksxz deserve praise as well. I never would have dreamed that Dave would have such a spectacular reaction to rodents. Notes must be taken."

John laughed, flopping over the side of the couch to retrieve the glasses he had dropped in his fit of mirth. He seemed to be stuck in a state of giggling at nothing in particular. Rose paused, drumming her fingers on the sofa's arm, before casually beginning, "John, what did Dave mean by--?"

"Wait, wait, Rose hold that thought!! It's almost time!"

John waved a hand in the air limply. It took Rose a moment to realize that she was supposed to be looking at his watch--mainly because there was no watch to look at. "Um. John."

"What's...oh, right, duh!! Haha, sorry." He laughed, showing her his left wrist. "Anyways, it's getting close to time, right?"

"Time... _oh_." Rose's eyebrows twitched. "You are indeed right, Mr. Egbert." A sly smile grew on her lips. "Let us begin the next step."


End file.
